Moving In

My boyfriend and I are planning to get married in time and have decided to move in together, so begins yet another adventure in our journey. The past month has been tough on us both, and due to external forces I was moody, weird, and cried a lot for what seemed to me absolutely no reason. It pained me that my love had to witness and endure this time in my life as he inevitably thought that my tear-fests and abrupt mood changes were because of him. This could not be further from the truth though, as he was the only thing keeping me sane during this time.

Excited as I am to begin to feel like myself again and to be taking this step together, I do trust that we are making the right decision here. It is still strange and new to have another person around all the time, but I think in this case I will learn to love it. We are both so similar in our lifestyles and even in our stubbornness that I understand we will, no doubt, butt heads from time to time. That’s life though, even two people as similar as we can be will eventually find something they don’t agree upon or understand in the other.

It seems that when this happens in this day and age, a lot of times people will claim it’s just not working, move on, and do the same thing again with the next person they choose to be with in life. This is not my way, however, nor his. We both have an intensity about us in our commitment to this friendship, relationship, and our future together. There is just something about him that’s not like the rest and I refuse to let him go, so long as he continues to love and wish to be with me, and I believe he feels the same way.

There is absolutely no such thing as perfect, so I don’t endeavor to make myself or anyone else believe that he is; there is, however, perfect for me, and that he most certainly is. I find it hard to believe that we haven’t known each other all these years as I simultaneously feel like we have grown up together and been friends for much longer than we have. It’s very nice to come home to a good friend and ally every night.

Let Go

A relationship, any kind of relationship, can either build you up or tear you down. There is very little in between. Sometimes it can feel as though there is and these are the more confusing and potentially damaging relationships. For instance, my mum loves me, I know this, but she doesn’t believe in me, or my dreams.

If love is conditional for one reason or another, is it really even love at all? If one does not accept you for the person you are in any given moment, are they really a friend? Often, in romantic relationships I have found that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to quite measure up to my partner’s expectations.

My last boyfriend kept a carrot-stick of expectations that was constantly moving away whenever I thought I was close to meeting this or that idealized version of myself. I understood that this had a lot more to do with his ex wife and their experiences than being something that I caused him to do. However, it drove me once again to that feeling of not measuring up, of never being good enough.

Generally, when I come out of a relationship that has lasted at least a year and ended, I find I need some time off from it all. Mainly for self reflection, as well as self love. However, two of my ex’s friends–one in particular–helped me realize that the issue was not entirely my own this time. I was the one who was there, ready for commitment and long term. It just turned out that I hadn’t found the right person yet.

He had never dealt with his divorce and the feelings that he took away from it. I learned a lot from that relationship though, good things and hard things, but especially not to shape myself around another person’s life or allow them to shape me. If I don’t fit in while being my most authentic self then it just isn’t right. If someone wants to change you to fit better into their life then they will likely continue in that trend long-term.

Coming out of that failed relationship, I just wanted some time to myself and with my friends. I made new friends from work and dance, and got them to get together for board games and even a snowboarding trip. One of the the new friends soon became my best friend, he always showed up when I asked or invited him out with us. I told him outright that I wasn’t looking for anything but friends and that I could see him becoming my best friend.

At the time, he wanted more, but he stuck around and became my best friend. There are so many reasons to be grateful for this, but above all it is amazing to now be in love with my best friend and planning our lives together. I have honestly never known anything like this before, or even considered it possible. This man is thoughtful, considerate, kind, warm, and loving. I am lucky enough to call him my best friend, my boyfriend, and one day I hope to call him my husband.

It’s funny how we plan our lives around what we think we want, but when we let go of these plans life just gives us what we need instead. It’s a beautiful thing.