Let Go

A relationship, any kind of relationship, can either build you up or tear you down. There is very little in between. Sometimes it can feel as though there is and these are the more confusing and potentially damaging relationships. For instance, my mum loves me, I know this, but she doesn’t believe in me, or my dreams.

If love is conditional for one reason or another, is it really even love at all? If one does not accept you for the person you are in any given moment, are they really a friend? Often, in romantic relationships I have found that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to quite measure up to my partner’s expectations.

My last boyfriend kept a carrot-stick of expectations that was constantly moving away whenever I thought I was close to meeting this or that idealized version of myself. I understood that this had a lot more to do with his ex wife and their experiences than being something that I caused him to do. However, it drove me once again to that feeling of not measuring up, of never being good enough.

Generally, when I come out of a relationship that has lasted at least a year and ended, I find I need some time off from it all. Mainly for self reflection, as well as self love. However, two of my ex’s friends–one in particular–helped me realize that the issue was not entirely my own this time. I was the one who was there, ready for commitment and long term. It just turned out that I hadn’t found the right person yet.

He had never dealt with his divorce and the feelings that he took away from it. I learned a lot from that relationship though, good things and hard things, but especially not to shape myself around another person’s life or allow them to shape me. If I don’t fit in while being my most authentic self then it just isn’t right. If someone wants to change you to fit better into their life then they will likely continue in that trend long-term.

Coming out of that failed relationship, I just wanted some time to myself and with my friends. I made new friends from work and dance, and got them to get together for board games and even a snowboarding trip. One of the the new friends soon became my best friend, he always showed up when I asked or invited him out with us. I told him outright that I wasn’t looking for anything but friends and that I could see him becoming my best friend.

At the time, he wanted more, but he stuck around and became my best friend. There are so many reasons to be grateful for this, but above all it is amazing to now be in love with my best friend and planning our lives together. I have honestly never known anything like this before, or even considered it possible. This man is thoughtful, considerate, kind, warm, and loving. I am lucky enough to call him my best friend, my boyfriend, and one day I hope to call him my husband.

It’s funny how we plan our lives around what we think we want, but when we let go of these plans life just gives us what we need instead. It’s a beautiful thing.

Peru Trip – Finalized

We have finally finished booking everything for our trip to Peru this Autumn. Woohoo! There is a sense of relief and excitement in knowing what awaits us there. Among other things that we hope to find there, we have scheduled a trek with a local tour company for Machu and Huayna Picchu. Both of which are typically booked out many months in advance, now we know!

Due to the popularity of the Inca Trail treks, we settled on selecting a kind of mini tour. Two days and one night, with hotel and food included. This works out perfectly for us as we hope to just Airbnb and hop around to local spots found by word-of-mouth for most of the trip anyway. This is the first time that I’ve planned a trip around any kind of tour booking, so that was a different experience for me already, as I tend to fly myself out to a place then figure it out when I get there from talking to locals.

Our trip had to be a bit more planned than per usual, because Machu Pichu is so popular and we are budgeting really heavily in order to reach all of our goals. The entire trip is on my boyfriend’s Southwest card and we have a plan to pay it back by the time we leave. Another one of our goals is to open a CD in June to begin saving at a higher interest rate for our idea of moving to Europe within the next few years.

As we already have that money set aside, or earmarked, we are beginning to save to pay off the card immediately. After we return from this trip to Peru, we will begin saving for our trip to Costa Rica to become TEFL Certified in early 2019. Tell you what, saving becomes easier once you have goals that you’re wholeheartedly invested in. Some may call us crazy, or simply think we’re dreamers with our heads in the clouds, but I believe in us and he does as well. That is everything we need to set our goals and to crush them in time.

Plans

My boyfriend and I are planning our trip to Peru together, and he and I are so similar in the way that we plan and prep for trips that we keep misunderstanding each other. Assuming, based on previous experiences, that the other couldn’t possibly do it this way or that way. Last night, in a moment of frustrated confusion we realized that we each travel separately in a very similar manner. This will be our first big trip together, so I suppose it is a test of sorts on our relationship.

Either we’ll come away from this stronger as a couple or completely tired of each other, right? Personally, I’m hoping for the former, and I believe in us. The beautiful and unique part of this relationship is that we became best friends prior to the romantic bit. Which in a way is the most incredible experience in the world, in other ways though it is petrifying. It makes this relationship that much more important to me, and due to our many discussions on the subject I know he feels the same way.

Neither one of us had parents with successful relationships, which of course is more commonplace than the alternative these days. However, both of our parents were also away at work constantly to provide as single parents and we each had grandparents who swept in to fill that role in their absence. This I am unbelievably grateful for, because in a culture of divorce, the two of us (miles apart) had a successful and loving marriage close at hand to observe and learn from.

One day on this blog I will share, in as much detail as I can gain from the living grandmothers, the unbelievable and true stories of how they each met the love of their lives and made the marriage deal work in spite of being human beings who changed over time.